Megachurch Member Tired Of People Taking The 'Christ' Out Of July 4th

Midlothian megachurch member Marika Furst is sick and tired of people taking the “Christ” out of July 4th. 

Though there is absolutely no mention of the United States in the Bible, and though contemporary American values of nationalism, material wealth, and military force are in direct contradiction to the teachings of Jesus, Furst sees her patriotism and faith as one and the same.

"Jesus died on a cross so that Americans could be free from British tyranny," Furst told our reporter. "It's the least we can do to cook out, get sunburned, and light up the sky with rockets in His name."

"When God said, 'Let there be light,' scholars believe He was referring to the blinding power of the Grand Finale," another church member told us.

We at The Beacon wish Furst and all our readers, however they choose to celebrate, a Happy Fourth. Let freedom ring!